Tales from the Cube VOL.2
We both are so excited 'cause we're reunited, hey, hey
_____If you've read the last edition of "Tales from the Cube," then maybe you can imagine what kind of state I was in after Cubey left. You see, my poor little Gamecube got sick a few weeks ago, and I had to muster up all my resolve, pack it up, and mail poor Cubey to the Nintendo headquarters in Washington state. The wait for Cubey to return seemed like an eternity. Nay, not just an eternity. A cubeless eternity. Imagine it. As fun as my other videogame systems still are, it's not like there wasn't an undeniable hole deep in my heart. When a family member dies, you can't just forget them by spending a day at the mall with your one surviving Uncle Slim, as jolly and crazy as he might be. No, as many hookers as Uncle Slim might buy for you, loss is a terrible thing, and though my Super Nintendo was there to comfort me on the lonely nights, things just weren't the same around the ol' homestead without the spunky little Cubester to cheer me up when I came back home after a long, totally uncubish day.
_____So, my Gamecube was in Redmond, Washington, surely having some sort of religious experience. I viewed it as a pilgrimage; Cubey was making a trip back to his homeland to rediscover his roots. Maybe, maybe, good old GC just stopped reading discs because he was philosophically unsure of the reason why he was reading those discs in the first place. Maybe he needed perspective. Perhaps the whole thing wasn't a sickness at all. Maybe all Cubey needed was a good long talk with Uncle NEStor. Cubey, I think, felt he needed to find the reason why he had to open up his plastic purple lid for every little disc that came along, be it Super Smash Brothers: Melee or, heaven forbid, Universal Studios Tour (don't worry Cubey, I would never do that to you).
Perhaps I was having trouble because my discs were upside down?
Rat-tail kid loves the CUBE!
Gazing in awe at the power of the Cube (notice the funky controller layout)
_____Well, whatever the issue was, it was resolved relatively quickly. No more than a week after sending Cubey off on his own, there was a faint morning knock on my door. Having been disappointed numerous times over the week by similar morning door knocks, I tried not to get all nervous and sweaty and smelly at the thought that it could be Cubey returning home. Alas, I could not help it, and as I approached the door in all of my sweaty, stinky, fried-onion-scented glory, I said a silent little prayer that Cubey would be on the other side. I wrapped my slippery, sweaty, disgusting hand around the doorknob and turned it. Or, at least, I tried to; the sweat slicked everything all up, but after a few minutes of trying I got the door to creak open. And there, on the ground, a stick with a handkerchief attached laying over his angular shoulder (or, what I'd imagine to be Cubey's shoulder... he has no arms)... was CUBEY! Tears burst forth from my eyes and onto the carpet like a hail of bullets laying waste to a trembling mass of innocents. I knelt down and put my arms arond the cute purple console. The plastic was just as smooth as ever, and I think he'd even gotten his little circular black thingamabob polished. Cubey had never looked finer!
_____Cubey brought with him a mess of papers from Nintendo of America. I was really hoping for a handwritten apology from Mario with an enclosed gold brick or, even better, a gold-plated NES with jewel-encrusted controller ports and platinum A/V jacks, but instead I got a bunch of papers with console maintenance tips and a page telling me I could subscribe to Nintendo Power. Thanks, Nintendo, but it's sort of rude to interrupt my big reunion with your sales pitches. Still, they did replace one of my controllers for free, even though I didn't know anything was wrong with it. In fact, the whole ordeal was free, which is good, since it was not my fault at all that Cubey just decided to stop working one day. Oh well, at least the paper that the included letter was printed on has a picture of Mario with a wrench, symbolizing both Mario's background in plumbing and the brave repairmen of Nintendo. The image works for me more than, say, Pikachu with a pneumatic drill press. Though that would have also been cool, in its own way.
Click on the above image for a well-written and well-argued article on the beauty of the Nintendo Gamecube.
_____My special Nintendo Maintenance Tips pamphlet includes such helpful advice as "DO NOT hit your Nintendo components." Though I admit that I sometimes get frustrated with my videogames to the point where I feel like bashing someone's face in, I have never really felt the urge to punch my consoles. I mean, they're pretty darn small and hard and plastic. I think a light love tap would be all I could pull off without the attack resulting in a serious and embarrassing injury. It would be pretty sad to end up in the hospital with bleeding knuckles and have to explain to the nurse how you just got so mad at that stinkin' spelling part of Elmo's Alphabet Journey that you beat up your Nintendo 64. I'm not so sure that would solidify one's hunky, manly image. The resultant scars might be pretty bad-ass, though, as long as your made up a new story to go with them. "DO NOT rapidly turn the power switch on and off." This one is not quite as obvious as not punching your $200 videogame player, but I still find it kind of funny. For what reason would anyone ever rapidly turn their system on and off? It even sounds wrong. I guess if you're at your friend's house and you're really mad at him you could always rapidly turn his system on and off while he's in the bathroom. He'd never figure out what happened to his poor old Turbo-Grafx 16. Now that I think about it, maybe this is what happened to Cubey.

_____Speaking of Cubey, we're doing great! He's back to reading discs, and since I had to go without my 'Cube love for a while now, all my games seem relatively new again. I'm earning new trophies in Smash Brothers, beating new levels in Super Monkey Ball, and still sucking at Wave Race. The only thing that could add to my joy would be if I had a scanner on hand to show you the crazy cartoons in my Nintendo Maintenance pamphlet, or if you readers would gather up some money and send it to me so I can buy some new games for Cubey to read (he just loves readin'!). What can I say? Ever since the kid came back he's been tearing through the games with a vigor I haven't seen since I first powered up his Papa N64 so many years ago. But before I retreat to the Cube, I'd like to share with you some of the classic poetry of Peaches & Herb:

Super Monkey Ball's graphics are SO REALISTIC!

Yummy  Peaches

I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
The breakup we had has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you 'cause I want you bad, hey, hey

Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited 'cause we understood
There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited 'cause we're reunited, hey, hey