Tales from the Cube VOL.1
An Obsessed Man and his Console
_____A few months ago there was a very special addition to my family. On the way back from college for a weekend at home, I stopped by the local mall and picked up my little purple bundle of joy. It was a joyous occasion. Maybe something similar has happened to you, too. Maybe not -- true innocent love is a rare thing in this world. But sometimes in life miracles do happen, and there we were, Cubey and I, friends, family, soul mates.
_____For those of you who haven't touched a Gamecube yet, how can I explain the magic and the majesty that is the experience? Have you ever touched the fair skin of a beautiful woman as she sleeps quietly, gently smiling, the morning sun shining on her lovely, golden form? Oh, you have? THAT DOES NOT COMPARE! The Gamecube is a gigantic amount of pure, plastic love, compacted, by some magical force into the tiny size of a cubic canteloupe and the general shape of an EasyBake Oven. While some may be addicted to their PS2s in a sick, strange codependent mess of a relationship, my Cube and I have a fair, giving, and beautiful love for each other. If I have a bad day, I know Cubey will be there to give me a boost, tell me I'm special and keep me up all night playing his crazy little games. Or, rather, that's how it used to be. For, a few weeks ago, Cubey got sick.
_____Maybe it was the hours and hours of Super Smash Brothers: Melee. Maybe it was the long stretches of Pikmin and Super Monkey Ball. Maybe it was the cuddling. But something made Cubey crack. Now, systems have been known to fizzle out every once in a while; I know I've pointed and laughed at many a sideways or upside-down Playstation in my time. Moving parts and reliability just don't mix. I'm sure the computer you are reading this on has had its fair share of problems. But this is Nintendo. I own a bushel (yes, a bushel!) of Nintendo consoles and none have ever crapped out on me save the good ol' NES. But that come out like 15 years ago, and it's spring-loaded. It's bound for failure. I don't think they designed the NES with more than one or two weeks of use in mind. The Gamecube, however, is supposed to be a machine of the future! The quiet, reliable, little box from Japan that transports you, without fail, to a magical land of fun. Only, for some reason, my Cubey stopped taking me to the magical land of fun and started taking me to the magical land of not reading discs. And that land is NOT FUN. NOR IS IT MAGICAL.
Sexy women and a sexy machine
I hope that my Cube is having a good time right now. Maybe something like this (you should see the other pictures!).
______I immediately called Nintendo Customer Service, which was actually quite pleasant. Did you know that Nintendo has videogame music play when they put you on hold? It's INCREDIBLE! Plus, I could pretend like I was phoning into homebase: Nintendo's super agent, reporting back to the boss with new info on the mission. I could demand to speak directly with Mario. Or maybe I could just talk to some dude about my broken Cube. The dude was pretty nice, and told me I'd simply have to ship my Cube to Washington state. Washington state? NOOOOO!! For those of you who don't know, Washington state is REALLY DAMN FAR from Boston. If one were to measure the length from Maine to Boston in Gamecubes, I'm sure it would be well over a MILLION Gamecubes away. Even worse, I'd have to trust little Cubey to the mail. As reliable as Federal Express may be, I'm sure even they have been known to lose at least a few Cube-shaped packages every few years. And that package could be mine; that Cube-shaped package lost in the Cubey abyss could be my own! And so began the long process of answering a very difficult question: do I keep Cubey at home, where he can be loved and cared for, or do I send him away, further from home than he's ever been, in the hopes that the talented doctors at Nintendo can cure his debilitating disease? The question weighed on my heart like a thousand X-Boxes as Cubey lay pathetically on the floor.
_____Finally, in a confused and sad haze of Smash Brothers withdrawl and Pop Rocks, I called Fed-Ex. The lady on the other end tried to understand me through the sobbing. I told her to come and take Cubey away. And I hung up. And hung my head. And wept. FOR DAYS.
_____It's been almost a week since the big, scary man came and took Cubey away from me. Every morning I check the mail for a sign... a postcard, a letter, a ransom note in a box with an amputated cooling fan (god forbid). But everyday, there is nothing. I can only pray that the folks at Nintendo are too busy working their magic on Cubey to notify me of his condition. I wait impatiently for the joyous return of my Gamecube to the family. Until then, the fevered and screaming dreams of death and insanity will continue. The voices in the night that drive me to kill will continue to consume me. And the fear of a Cubeless life will haunt me. Cubey, come home!
A visual aid.
Someone's baby.