Talez frum tha Kube. VOL.3
The Eternal Struggle
_____If I asked you "What would you rather have, dear reader, sex or video games?", you would say sex. And then I would leave, I guess, without any material for my column. The end.
The age-old conflict. _____Just kidding! Ha! Had you there, didn't I? No, my friend, there is more to the story than that. In reality, when evaluated point by point, video games do have many compelling properties that are lacking in sex. For instance, save points! Yup, it's a fact folks: most women don't like being left naked on the bed for a few hours while you catch lunch and the Saturday afternoon showing of Back to the Future 2 on TBS. But Super Mario All-Stars doesn't care if you take a month long break mid-game! Nay! She'll still be hot 'n' bothered when you come back, ready to take on world 8 with a newfound vigor. Women are not so forgiving, except maybe Samus: she actually rewards you for finishing faster. But even the best action game won't give you any real action. It's an age-old conundrum: which is better, sex or video games?
_____Throughout the 1980s game developers tried to solve this dilemma by combining the two. Had they known, these horny old game developers probably would have saved their cash and gone into hibernation for twenty years: erotic games on the Gamecube or Playstation 2 would be IN-TENSE (to paraphrase that cool kid from the old Zelda commercial)! Unfortunately, the aspiring pornographers blew their monetary wad on an assortment of crappy and completely unarousing Atari 2600 and NES games, including Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em, Knight on the Town, Bubble Bath Babes, and Peek-a-Boo Poker. Hot Slots, one of my favorites, simulates a real life slot machine! Only, instead of money, you win NES-quality pictures of scantily-clad ladies! And if you're lucky enough to somehow randomly win about $450 (there's no skill involved and it's nearly impossible -- just like a real casino, without the real scantily-clad women!), you'll see a similar quality image of a woman with NO CLOTHES ON!! Whoa!
_____The best part of Hot Slots is the assortment of sexy lines the girls use to tempt the player. It's almost as if they know just how much badly-translated puns turn me on! "Hi, I'm Lucky Lucy!," says one of the many alluring damsels, "I can see you've got some stiff competition in your hends." Oooh, baby. You know it. My hends are trembling now! The best line, however, is from the screen pictured to the right. "Wow, what a manly player!" whispers the sweet curvaceous lady as we lay in her garden of purple flowers and tar, "Are you going to rack up my charries?" Oh, I'll rack up your charries, baby. You just stay right where you are, floating in that sexy black void in your little fuscia bikini. It's really a shame that Panesian Taiwan Co., Ltd. isn't making games anymore after farting out such indelible gems as Hot Slots. Are you going to rack up my charries?
_____The adult rack at the videogame store was left unravaged by the virile gaming community. Perhaps it was the $50 price tag that handicapped Panesian's masterpieces in the porn market in a world where you can get Victoria's Secret catalogs for free. Whatever the reason, game companies began incorporating sex into ther games somewhat less blatantly, hoping to capture the horny demographic without scaring off the grandparent and toddler market.
Exhibit A: Firebird's Booty.
Exhibit B: Random tush.

_____For instance, everybody knows Eidos' lovable mascot Lara Croft. But, did you know that she was designed with somewhat larger than average bosoms!? Indeed, those tricky designers at Eidos spiked the game Tomb Raider with a few extra cup sizes in the hopes that gamers would be hooked and come back for another fix in the sequels. And they did, in droves (for a while, anyway (pick up Tomb Raider 3 for $3.87 at ebgames.com)).

_____The back of the box of the Amstrad CPC game Booty purports that "[You] can get rich on the pirate treasure hidden in 150 holds of the galleon," but we all know what this game is really about -- firm, round, sexplocious buttocks! Firebird knew what they were doing by slapping "Booty" on the box of their new home adventure. The pirate is just a bonus illustration meant to entice the kiddies and retired plunderers -- "Booty" means booty.

_____The only way, it seems, that this conflict will ever be resolved is by a combination of video games and sex that retains the desirable aspects of both activities. To accomplish this perfect combo, one must possess an understanding of just what is so attractive about these great American pastimes. If everyone reading at home would please open his or her copy of the Kama Sutra, we may begin our investigation into the nature of sex (if you don't already know what's so great about videogames, you should stop reading this now and go sit in the basement and think about what you've done with your life). The Kama Sutra (by esteemed author and probable videogame player Mallanaga Vatsyayana) is loaded with wisdom on the subjects of love and lovemaking, and many funny, funny pictures. Let us meditate on this passage from the ancient sex book of yore:

MAN is divided into three classes, viz. the hare man, the bull man,
and the horse man, according to the size of his lingam.

WOMAN also, according to the depth of her yoni, is either a female
deer, a mare, or a female elephant

_____Ah yes, clearly the wise words of the Kama Sutra will lead mankind to anew age of sexual freedom and understanding, all according to depth of our collective yoni. This does not provide us with an answer, however, to the ancient question that is eating away at our collective, delicious, brain tissue.
_____Readers, please turn your Kama Sutra to Part 2: On Sexual Union, undoubtedly the most popular chapter (though I hear Part 5: About Courtesans, is an equally powerful read). By studying this chapter, we will find that one can gain a great knowledge on the congress of the cow and the congress of the dog, but, for some reason, nothing about the congress of the Cube or the congress of the Turbografx 16. I propose that what is needed (by the human race) is a new sexual position (that incorporates my Atari) for the twenty-first century (and beyond!). With this in mind, I have created my own sexual position, complete with its own Vatsyayana-esque name ("the deadly llama in jogging shorts"). Note that the deady llama in jogging shorts position brings pleasure of lovemaking to both partners, while leaving the hands free for such important matters as finding that last star in Mario 64. The woman will enjoy this position as well, as she is able to watch you rack up the charries in Hot Slots, and she will surely be even more turned on once she sees how slick you are with the joystick. Perfection!
_____The conflict of sex versus videogames may never be fully resolved, but I believe our little discussion here has brought the issue into a deeper focus and a brighter spotlight than before, and laid the arguments out on more satiny sheets and oiled it with more expensive lotions. Yes, we have rocked the issues harder than ever before, and found the spots that just make the lingering questions go wild with ecstasy and beg for more. It was good for me, and I'm sure the Earth moved for society as well.