The penalty for spying on game companies is SEVERE!!

the SPY: Hi everyone, you don't know me, but I'm a SPY!! That's why I get to write in COOL BLACK while everyone else on this site has to write in SISSY ORANGE and BABY GODDAMN BLUE. I know most of you probably just come to this site for the racy pictures, but some of you may be interested in some of the info I've managed to smuggle across many borders to bring you today. As a spy, I have peeped into the offices and programming facilities of many big game companies, and I have gathered top-secret info on a whole bunch of upcoming games! These games haven't yet been announced, and have never been seen by the general public! That's right, folks, content on Super Radio X's website that actually has to do with videogames! It's a miracle. Today I've managed to dig up info on upcoming games for all the current consoles. No need to thank me, it's what I do. So read on, and while you do, I'll secretly assassinate your family. Such is the way of the mysterious spy. Anyway, on with the SECRET GAME PREVIEWS...

Nintendo Gamecube

Though the Gamecube is already home to such high-profile extreme sports games as Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 and SSX Tricky, developer ParticleXS Studios began development on a new snowboarding game late last year.

"At first it was going to star four shapely, young ladies to appeal to the teen demographic' says the game's designer, "but when the Golden Girls license fell into our laps, well, we sure couldn't say no!"

Golden Girls Extreme Snowboarding, or GGXS, as the development team calls it, will feature actual voice clips from the show and motion-captured extreme action by Rue McClanahan, AKA Blanche Devereaux. "We're lucky, because with Rue, the sex appeal we were shooting for in the beginning is still there, but she also embodies a sort of timelessness, too, the kind of timelessness I think today's gamer wants in an extreme snowboarding game," says the game's designer.

GGXS is progressing well and should be out by the end of the year.

Blanche is HOT
GGXS will be the first Golden Girls game on the Nintendo Gamecube, but developers Particle XS hope it's not the last. "I have a lot of plans for those four heartwarming and hilarious ladies" says the game's designer.


Microsoft X-Box

"I think it was pretty inevitable," says lead programmer David Dorshek of the popular Microsoft franchise Minesweeper making its way to the company's own console. "The cards are all in place. We've got probably one of the most-played videogames of all time, and we've got a brand new system just screaming for some killer apps. It's just a matter of the right place and the right time."

Development on Minesweeper X began nearly three years ago, early in the planning stages of the X-Box. "We knew that if we waited too long, we'd never get the game out the door in time," says Dorshek. A development team of 83 people have worked day and night on this title, and it shows. The graphics and sound of Minesweeper X are amazingly close to those of the PC original, thanks to the amazing processing power of the X-Box. "Trust me, we know how much people expect from Microsoft in terms of gaming innovation and graphical overhauls. I'm personally making sure that Minesweeper X is gonna be a perfect port from the PC version."

When asked about future games he'd like to work on, Dorshek only smiles and says, "Well let's just say there's a little game that starts with an 'S' and ends with an 'olitaire' that I'd love to get my hands on."

MSX should hit retail Fall 2003.


When you click the face makes a funny face!
Having seen MSX, I can personally vouch for it's PC-perfect accuracy. Who could have guessed that the X-Box could handle such a feat? As is the tradition in the Minesweeper franchise, this version will include the fan-favorite character of the smiley face guy who dies when you click a bomb. Amazingly, Microsoft has even crammed the secondary monochrome play option onto this DVD game. Currently the development team is tweaking the game's code, trying to get the framerate up to the same blazingly fast levels PC Minesweeper addicts are used to. We'll all see how it turns out when MSX hits the shelves next year.


Sony Playstation 2

Another popular game getting an overhaul soon is the universally-loved Tetris. Many consider Tetris to be the perfect videogame. Many, but not all. "I always thought Tetris was great, but a little lacking in the story department," says Tetris RPG's director Denis Blarnon. "I think Tetris fans are gonna be really happy with the direction we've gone in with this game. In fact, I know they will be."

Tetris RPG starts players with only one block, but the player can build a party of blocks as the game progresses. The developers have managed to include all seven blocks -- a task many thought they couldn't achieve. "When Elorg first gave us the go-ahead, they said 'You have to include all seven. Each one is somebody's favorite.' That really set us in the right direction and we're very proud we've managed to include them all."

While the development team is very coy about giving away any plot secrets, producer Kevin Ramadart offers up this juicy tidbit: "Ever wondered where those blocks are falling from? I think you can expect to have some questions answered."

Tetris RPG is still in relatively early stages of production, but Blarnon says fans can be on the lookout for a spring 2003 release. "One more thing," he adds slyly, "after this game, you're never gonna look at curvy backwards S-shape block again. That's all I'm saying."

Though many consider the Gameboy or NES versions of Tetris to be the defining chapters of the Tetris saga, the makers of Tetris RPG are hoping to change a lot of minds. Already in the works are action figures based on the most popular blocks from the game (stright line, backwards L, and square) and a line of fantasy books based around the events of the game. "It's gonna be a good time to be a Tetris fan" says Rarnadart.


Nintendo Gameboy Advance

"I think, if you look at the current selection of Gameboy games on the market, you'll see, very plainly, one big hole: Lapdance games," says Frank Frigosa, director of the upcoming GBA game Lapdance Advance. "I don't think people realize what they're missing; lapdances have been part of our culture for years, and are a timeless form of entertainment. Now you can get a lapdance on the go!"

The portability of the lapdance is what first attracted Frigosa to the project, although he admits that having a chance to work with producer Koshima Tomishi was also a big factor: "Tomishi-San and I did a lot of research for this title, and I think it shows. We're probably gettingt 40 or 50 lapdance a week for the development time of this game, but it's definitely worth it. Definitely."

Although the game is done, for some reason Frigosa and Tomishi are planning on keeping development going indefinitely:. "The way I see it, we could always just shrug and put out the game as it is and say 'oh well,' or we could keep working and do the best we can do. Unlike a lot of game creators, I prefer the latter, though this does mean I'll have to schedule a whole lot more lap dances for our continuing research. I'll do it, though. We're very dedicated to this project."

Lapdance Advance has not been given a release date.

It's not nudity if she has tape on her nippleys.
Although Lapdance Advance has not yet been given a release date, the game is definitely in a playable state. Surprisingly, the player does not take the role of the dancer. Rather, the player takes the role of the grinning bearded man above, named "Earl." The object of the game is to get lapdances. "We wanted to make the control scheme simple," says Frigosa, "so we made it so that you don't have to press any buttons, except the power switch. You can also turn the volume up and down. It's very interactive but also very intuitive." The graphics are very good for the Gameboy Advance, and the evidence of the hard work that went into them is strewn about Frigosa's office. "You'll see we took a lot of reference photos. Believe me, I've put my whole life into this project," says Frigosa, twitching slightly.



--So there you go, four upcoming games you've never heard of anywhere else. No need to thank me. It's all part of the spy business. That, and ho's. The exclusive game news, and the ho's. Now, make yourself useful and vote in the poll to the right. The results will be sent to the developers of the games themselves. Yes, your vote counts!

Until next time, this is the SPY, signing off,