THE TOP TEN COOLEST ITEMS

10: THE HOME RUN BAT (Super Smash Brothers/Super Smash Brothers Melee)

This is great just because of its smash move, which allows you to knock even a fully-powered opponent off the screen with only one hit. It might be considered a cheap shot, but it's really satisfying at the end of a crappy day. You could think of it like a super powerful baseball bat... perhaps these comparisons will be more difficult than i thought.

9: THE DRAIN SWORD (Final Fantasy 2)

Not the most powerful weapon in the game, but makes up for its weakness by the fact that you gain in hit points whatever you take off your enemy. It's great as a weapon for Kain. Of course, later in the game, Kain goes mental and leaves your party (that bastard), inadvertently taking everything he's equipped with, so be careful not to lose the sword (though it eventually loses its impact once the enemies get tougher). I suppose the Drain Sword is comparable to a gigantic insect that BITES you and then DRAINS YOUR ENERGY from you NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Except YOU HOLD that insect IN YOUR HAND and UNLEASH IT on your enemies! Right.

8: MASTER MAGIC MATERIA (Final Fantasy 7)

Every single magic spell in the game, contained within only one materia space. It's sheer lunacy. It's like a handgun that fires nuclear warheads. Or something!

7: OPTIONS (Gradius/Lifeforce/similar)

Everyone knows that if you don't beat the level on your first life, you're not going to beat the level. As your ship picks up credits, you can purchase options, little floating orange-ish things that fly in formation with you, echoing your attacks. Each option adds the power of an additional ship, but doesn't make you any more vulnerable. If you lose them, you are dead. If you can manage to beat the stage without them, stop reading and go outside, because you play Gradius too much. You can compare an option to having two, three, or four clones of yourself, rotating about you madly and firing gigantic laser beams, as you venture into a gigantic worm-infested, organic tunnel somehow suspended in outer space. In fact, it's remarkably similar.

6: GOLD STUD/ECONOMIZER (Chrono Trigger/Final Fantasy 3)

Cuts down on the magic points necessary to cast spells. Running out of magic points becomes virtually impossible, and ultra-powerful magic is a primary option rather than a rare strategy. Basically, way too powerful. In Final Fantasy 3, combine it with Quad Magic and Ultima and you will kick 16 bit ass. It's comparible to jumping in the shower one day and realizing that you only need a TINY fraction of the soap that you used to need. How awesome would THAT be?

5: THE TELEPORTER (Unreal Tournament)

Seems lame at first, but if you throw it past someone and teleport THROUGH them, they die instantly, wondering how you killed them without a gun. Plus you can use it defensively as well. It's similar to having a small electronic disc that you can throw, and a remote switch that will cause you to dematerialize, travel through space, and rematerialize on that electronic disc. I predict these will be available and in American kitchens sometime in fall 2002.

4: P-WING (Super Mario Brothers 3)

Everyone in the universe knows the the P-Wing is an incredibly useful tool. Not too much to say about it except it not only makes your character more powerful, but allows you to access lots of secrets and hidden areas (like the hidden 1ups and coins in world 5-1) that would have been unreachable without a P-Wing. An item that interweaves with game design so smoothly is very cool indeed. I'd say that it's quite a bit like being able to fly, whenever you want, but unfortunately always having a constant beeping sound in the background.

3: METAL BLADE (Mega Man 2)

With the exception of the rare enemy who is undamaged by Metal Blade, this weapon might as well replace the P buster for the remainder of the game. Able to shoot in 8 directions instead of simply two, and way more powerful than the P buster, Metal Blade also takes such a stupidly small amount of weapon power to use that you inadvertently run into enough weapon fillups to keep it full. It's like flying a jet to work instead of driving a car, and having that jet get better gas mileage also. And fire missiles in 8 directions.

2: THE FIRE REAVER (Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver)

Anytime a sword also becomes a projectile weapon (with the exception of Final Fantasy 8's gunblade, which is just stupid) its coolness goes up exponetially, i.e. Link's sword in the Legend of Zelda, which is much cooler when it's zapping bad guys instead of just cutting them up. In the same vein, the Fire Reaver in Soul Reaver is the complete apex of badassedness within a weapon. The Soul Reaver, in its original form, is composed completely of energy, intertwining with Raziel's arm with a demonically eerie blue/green glow that already makes light sabers look like Twizzlers. But once the Soul Reaver gets upgraded to the Fire Reaver, it becomes even better, and is definitely one of the most ridiculously powerful weapons in any video game; a single projectile from the Fire Reaver kills even the toughest vampires instantly. Granted, if you take a hit or hop in some water, the Fire Reaver disappears, but all you've got to do to get it back is to pass the blade through any flame you find, which is easy enough. The Fire Reaver is surely the coolest weapon in any video game. And it's comparable to having a tremendous firey blade coming OUT of your arm, blasting balls of effervescent flame in any direction you point it. Fine, there's no real-world correlation. I mean, it's a GIANT FLAMING SWORD. Lay off.

So what's the ultimate object in any video game?

NUMBER ONE: THE STRAIGHT BLOCK (Tetris)

The ultimate. The blocks are piling up, and you're freaking out. They are going way too fast, and you're way too obessive compulsive to have all this crap piling up, and nowhere to put it. And then, like a vision of beauty in the mist, it appears: the straight block. As you drop it downwards, the screen epileptically flashes proof of your triumph... TETRIS!!!!!!! Even MY PARENTS recognize the greatness of the straight block, as they struggle to play Tetris while riding the exercise bike. No lie. If that's not valid evidence, I'm not going to bed right now.... and I am, so there.

--Rok